alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
