Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Is it because I queefed?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
