absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
