got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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