I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
40s are totally the cure
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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