You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
