I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
