the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
