yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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