what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
