my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Randomize
