it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
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You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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