dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
