she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
