Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
