he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.