My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
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ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
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Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.