if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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