Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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