I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
