I puked a lego.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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