every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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