I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
