sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i love accidental penises.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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