Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
