I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
