gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
