you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
