the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
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This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
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Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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