you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I wish there were birth control emojis
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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