Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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