you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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