Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
