Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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