i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
