My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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