Where did you get a picture of my penis
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Randomize
