This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Randomize
