this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize