The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
