My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
