You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
