I am puke
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
