Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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