Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
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we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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