I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
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