i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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