Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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