drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
