I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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