i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
