We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
